The Danish
Scene: a breakfast nook. GLADYS, age 85, HERB, age 88, are reading the newspaper and sipping coffee There are crumbs on his plate. He reaches for a Danish.
GLADYS: Isn’t that your third Danish?
HERB: No. I’ve only had one.
GLADYS: I put out three Danishes. There’s only one left.
HERB: So? You had a Danish, I had a Danish. That’s two.
GLADYS: I didn’t have a Danish.
HERB: Of course you did. You always have a Danish. I always have two Danishes.
GLADYS: I decided to cut out Danishes.
HERB: Since when?
GLADYS: Since Dr. Weill said they were bad for old people. Too much saturated fat.
HERB: What’s saturated fat? All I see is the icing.
GLADYS: Saturated fat clogs your arteries. You’ll have a stroke.
HERB: I’m 88. I’m going to die eventually. So what’s it matter?
GLADYS: I know you’re 88. I’m 85. I’d like to be around for a few more years.
HERB: We’ve been eating Danishes for years.
GLADYS: It’s not the Danishes. It’s the saturated fat. Dr. Weill says . . .
HERB: Who’s Dr. Weill? Are you seeing a new doctor? I thought you liked Dr. Cordray.
GLADYS: I do like Dr. Cordray. I thought you didn’t like Dr. Cordray.
HERB: Well, he’s ok. For a young guy. He’s gotten better over the last few years, since he took over from Dr. Pavey. At least now he listens rather than barking at you. But who’s this Dr. Weill? He join Cordray in the practice? How come I haven’t met him?
GLADYS: No, he’s not in the practice. He writes books about how you can live longer if you watch what you eat. So I’m watching what you eat. That’s your third Danish. From tomorrow, no more Danishes.
HERB: Why does it matter if I have Danishes? Even if they do have the fat stuff that seems to bother you. My father ate Danishes his whole life. And he lived to be 95.
GLADYS: Dr. Weill says that saturated fat can kill you. Maybe if he hadn’t eaten Danishes, your father would have lived to 100. Like I want you to.
HERB: But he didn’t die of a stroke. He was hit by the crosstown bus.
GLADYS: That doesn’t matter. Danishes kill you. Dr. Weill says so. So no more Danishes for breakfast, from now on.
HERB: But I like Danishes. I’ve had Danishes for breakfast since …. Well, since before we were married. How long ago was that?
GLADYS: You don’t know?
HERB: I can’t remember. We’ve always been married, haven’t we?
GLADYS: I knew it. Alzheimer’s. That’s the first sign. Trouble remembering things.
HERB: I’m as sharp as I was when we got married…. 50 years ago.
GLADYS: When we got married, 60 years ago, you forgot the ring. I was so embarrassed. In front of everybody, there you are, searching your pockets, swearing out loud. Like a sailor.
HERB: I was a sailor. And Sammy was supposed to have the ring. He was the best man. I knew it was a mistake letting your brother be my best man.
GLADYS: Who else would have been best man? That slimeball Greek you were hanging out with?
HERB: Demetrios was a good guy. He just got in some trouble, that’s all.
GLADYS: Some trouble! He went to jail for ten years for selling olive oil he stole from that widow’s grocery! He bankrupted her! She lost everything!
HERB: So he made a mistake. At least he wasn’t so stupid that he had to be reminded to tie his shoes. Like your brother Sammy. Who forgot the ring.
GLADYS: My brother Sammy was a good man. You said at the rehearsal he didn’t have to worry about the ring, you’d have the ring. Then you forgot it.
HERB: I said I’d have the ring because I knew Sammy would screw it up. He screwed everything up. Wasn’t he supposed to make the honeymoon reservations?
GLADYS: He did make the honeymoon reservations. He just made a simple mistake, that’s all.
HERB: A simple mistake! How could anybody sane think a couple would want to honeymoon in a dog adventure camp? We didn’t even own a dog.
GLADYS: Sammy didn’t know anything about resorts.
HERB: There’s a difference between the Catskills and the Dogskills camp! You only need common sense. I should have noticed that the train tickets were for Cincinnati instead of upstate New York.
GLADYS: I wondered why it was taking so long, and why we were crossing Pennsylvania.
HERB: Sammy didn’t have the sense he should have been born with.
GLADYS: Herb, that was 60 years ago. Don’t tell me you’re still carrying a grudge about that! Remember how we laughed and laughed once we figured it out.
HERB: Yeah, it was pretty funny. There we were, newly married and all romantic, ready for a honeymoon resort. What did we get? No bridal suite. Instead we were surrounded by yapping terriers in the Ohio boondocks.
GLADYS: I thought it was sort of cute, the way those terriers kept trying to herd you when you went to the swimming pool.
HERB: The pool wasn’t much fun after we got there. All those wet dogs. With wet noses. Trying to sniff us.
GLADYS: It did make us get that golden retriever. Our first dog. Boots.
HERB: Are you sure that retriever was named Boots? I thought Boots was the cocker spaniel we got when the retriever died. Wasn’t the retriever named Goldie?
GLADYS: No. Goldie was the collie. Don’t you remember? Betsy named him Goldie, after we told her he couldn’t be Lassie since he wasn’t a girl collie, and Lassie was a girl.
HERB: Oh, that’s right. (he reaches for the Danish. Gladys slaps his hand)
GLADYS: Herb, no. Dr. Weill says . . .
HERB: I don’t care what Dr. Weill says. Never met him. He never examined me. Dr. Cordray says I have the heart of a 70-year old. (he takes the last Danish and puts it on his plate)
GLADYS: It’s not your heart I’m worried about. It’s your arteries. Put back the Danish.
HERB: But I want the Danish.
GLADYS: And I want you to be around longer than this afternoon. Put back the Danish.
HERB: (sighs. Puts back the Danish) Ok, ok. Is there any more cream for the coffee?
GLADYS: That’s another thing….
HERB: What now? Cream is bad for me, too?
GLADYS: Yes. And not just cream. Coffee. All that caffeine. Starting tomorrow, we drink chicory. Or herbal tea. Your choice.
HERB: I choose coffee.
GLADYS: I thought you might insist on filling yourself with poison, so I got decaffeinated at the co-op. And only one cup! We’re going to eat healthy from now on!
HERB: You eat healthy. (gets up from table)
GLADYS: Where are you going? It’s only 8 o’clock.
HERB: MacDonald’s. I’ll get a coffee, a bite to eat, schmooze a bit. I’ll be home for lunch.
GLADYS: Lunch is at noon, like always. We’re having steamed tofu. With nutritional yeast!
HERB: (groans). I can hardly wait. (exits. Blackout)
